I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
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Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.