the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
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me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.