I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“I HAVE OTHERS”
[just loses it]
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When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
just gave your address to some spiders
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem