@thepunningman

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

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@HellisWorthit

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

@karanbirtinna

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

@JoParkerBear

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

@amphy1981

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

@MichaelTrying

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

@cellapaz

how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did

@kryzazzy

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem