Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
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Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Genius idea!!
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
This a good idea
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.