If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
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[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Happy Friday
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements