Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
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When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Confused owl: What?!
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!