Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
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If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf