Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
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[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
channeling her this year
can’t talk my ride’s here
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.