Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
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Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Thinking about Jeff
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*