“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
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Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them