Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
You Might Also Like
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Lmao
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy