My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
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[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Why is no one talking about this?!
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
A huge thanks to the person that did this
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”