*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
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Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.