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We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes