microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
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Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”