Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
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[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Hell yeah 👍
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.