I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
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Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit