I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
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“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
If you love someone, let them tweet.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.