When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them