Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
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my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
⛄️
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Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name