Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
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I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
how high up are we talkin’?
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”