Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

So we got a goldfish…

There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture

Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.

He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.