@Shariv67

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

You Might Also Like

@gerryhallcomedy

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

@_elvishpresley_

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

@rickolantern

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

@Professor_Ryan

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

@clichedout

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

@CVTBaby

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.