Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@gerryhallcomedy

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

@_elvishpresley_

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

@UncleDuke1969

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

@meatyocre

to be Frank, i would have to change my name.

@rickolantern

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

@Professor_Ryan

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

@clichedout

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

@CVTBaby

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.