I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
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I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him