(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
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003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Got him!
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.