5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
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if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that