Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
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Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I think I’ll stand
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*