Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
You Might Also Like
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
oh u like history? name everything that happened