[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
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I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Bike for sale