I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
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My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting