I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
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Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”