Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
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This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
#Caturday
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Would you wear it?
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.