I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
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Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.