Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
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*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
My wife has the worst taste in men.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi