Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
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I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
#CoronaOutbreak
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.