I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
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Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.