*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
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Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
He took my last fry, your honor
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
getting groceries
#NoRestForTheWicked
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church