This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
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[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’