the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
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My Guy
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.