me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
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“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
*seductively eats two tums*
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh