To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
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Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper