My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
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friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Is this you?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now