My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
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CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”