Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
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My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Yup.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Donkey Kong sommelier
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶