Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
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Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Morning my dudes.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Good boy 😂😂
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.