I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
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95% of dentists recommend teeth.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.