I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

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drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “keith@fbi.gov”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”


Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.


All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.


I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.


I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.


I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.


With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be


Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”


I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people


Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.