@JennyJohnsonHi5

I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.

You Might Also Like

@KeetPotato

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “keith@fbi.gov”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

@Dawn_M_

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

@BatBatshitcrazy

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

@samalmightysam

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

@rachelle_mandik

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

@rusty_coach

With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be

@ojedge

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

@MaraWilson

I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people

@_wendyb07

Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.