I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
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*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.