I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
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My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Ugh
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Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.