drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
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Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.