There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
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“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
No, YOUR illiterate.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.