If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
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I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
live long and prosper!
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating