I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
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Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
brian had himself a morning…
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it