Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
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Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
🤣
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Rather alarming headline…
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.