Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
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POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient