Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
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I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Plant care tips
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
#Caturday
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.