I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
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Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.