[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
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People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.