I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
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i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out![]()
I triple waxed for this?
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
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Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
This is my emotional support online shopping cart