I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

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The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…

Your spouse 🤷


My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.


Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW


I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up


Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.


Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.


Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?


My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.