I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
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My love language is deader than Latin
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Tier 3 meme
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.