I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

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[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE


People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.


*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.


I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.


Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.


4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake


Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.