@FSUSteve

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

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@tommy_charm

The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…

Your spouse 🤷

@XplodingUnicorn

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

@BirdiePanda

Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker

Me: wow

My sock puppet: WOW

@Mytwoscentz

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

@felipetmedinaa

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

@THEDUTHCHESS

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

@SCbchbum

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

@Daisyldoo

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.