Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
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Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?